Ruminations of an Older Kind

I have always been ambivalent about my birthday. There are some who make it all worthwhile. A small circle of friends who always show up no matter what. With cakes too.

The last year has been a very strange one. I hope to find some recuperation throughout this year, if possible.

There are many things I feel I should have finished by now, but unfortunately they only remain aspirations. One by one, someday, may they all come true, we'll see.

I suppose I always remain guarded about what's lying around the corner, a mindset you automatically develop when you have to fight tooth and nail for everything you've ever been, sometimes even to meet the bare minimum. And this time, it's no different. As I stand in an environment I barely understand.

Such is the nature of life, I suppose. Certainly always a different dream. A dear friend told me that this mad quest to know everything and be everything will one day be my undoing. And I am inclined to believe that. Because it looks like I opened too many doors and don't know which ones lead where.

There are shambles and clutter everywhere but it's just another thing easier to ignore. Vulnerabilities are hard to face, and despite all the romanticism surrounding it, it's pretty damning and useless. The idea that there are lessons everywhere is also a thing I've had to unlearn. Sometimes the only lesson is that you are too stupid and make idiotic mistakes. Or that you won't always get what you set out to do, hard work and perseverance notwithstanding.

Somehow the breaking of the veneer or everything that we see or know to be good or bad is helpful. And on the flip side just as worthless.

You won't know where you head. How people will come and go. How some things truly aren't meant to be. It's just weird that it takes so much time to understand all this and yet forever to internalise. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, maybe to themselves before others.

I don't know where we will head, or what we will be remembered for. Immortality is a fool's dream, whether of the husk or of one's legacy. For what exists eons beyond time maybe a twisted version of what you originally envisioned. And that sometimes you're meant to be no more than a footnote in someone else's life.

There is still much optimism in me. I am never a doomsayer. But I'll be lying if I said it is not tempered. No longer am I sure of the many things I thought I was. And it is this reconciliation that is making me reflect. And so shall it forever be.

Much gratitude to all people who took the time out and called and posted and sent things. I can never thank you enough - my friends, colleagues, students, and acquaintances. I hope everyone knows how much they mean to me even if I don't say it out loud all the time. Thanks for making this life more interesting, optimistic, and forward looking.